Mistakes compounding

 Lights out Alice!

When it rains, it pours. When things go wrong, they go wrong in style. I have been a bit out of sorts for the past week with too many projects that are due, work that has been left incomplete and efficiency that has taken a tumble downwards. Most of them have been caused by the fact that I have to live with roommates, something which I covered in some detail in the last post. To add to this, probably the root cause analysis might reveal something else altogether so I will refrain from putting 100% of the blame to this issue.

Coming to the part where I messed up royally, I picked a fight with my mother and pissed off my father with my rude, indifferent and disrespectful tone. The topic might have been initiated on their end but I could have let it slide and I could have maintained my cool. No, I have to be the idiot who has to take an aggressive tone, a path from which there is no coming back from. What took place next was fairly obvious. Voices were raised, pitches were heighted and the issue spiralled out of control. I ended up saying things that I was regretting even as they were coming out of my mouth.

I am sorry about the transgression and I really need to work on not letting things affect the way I talk to the important people in my life especially when I know that I could do better.

DO BETTER! MAINTAIN YOUR CALM!

Lights out Alice!

A big limitation has been found

 Lights out Alice!

It is not like I was not aware of it before but given the current living situation, this has come to the fore and has become a teething issue that is severely limiting my capability to get any work done.

I am unable to think in a crowd. I am unable to live with noise and people around me. When I go back to my hostel room post classes at the end of the day, the only thing I want is an empty room and peace and quiet. I don't want wailing, I don't want to listen to gossip because I definitely don't want any. Wearing headphones only goes so far since I do not have any noise cancellation in them and all it does is gives me a headache.

The long and short is, I am uncomfortable. People who are better than me would be able to identify the problem and then swiftly move towards applying a solution whereas I am stuck in denial and trying to compromise on my comfort for others. A lesson that everyone keeps telling me but I haven't seem to have learned yet is the fact that people rarely think of others when asking them for a favour or take into account the impact their actions would have on the other party. People will push you to extreme lengths even without seemingly a morsel of understanding of the impact their actions have on the other party. 

Case in point would be the roommate I have to deal with currently. I should correct myself, roommates. Plural. He has a live-in relationship with his GF and sadly for me, their live-in happens to be in the same hostel room I am sharing. This is a problem not because of the obvious reasons, although it might be the case, but I don't give enough shits to actually care about that. It is a problem for me since I have to deal with the constant noise of people talking in my room. There is no scope for peace and quiet. There is always some form of loud PDA or name calling or friendly smacking (I didn't know that was a thing) going on. I don't understand how but they seem to be shameless enough to actually turn it up a notch when I am around. I don't know if they get a kick out of it or it is just that they enjoy showboating. I really don't give a shit people. I just want my peace of mind.

Is it too much to ask for a single occupancy room? I don't care if it is without an AC even, just leave me alone...I don't know how to get my own personal room, I don't even know whom to ask for this or how to even explain my situation to them. Plus there is too much heat and debate on occupancy status given the fact that juniors have just joined the campus and both campus infrastructure and administration is stressed to the point of breaking, although it is a disaster of their own making.

In all of this, what is pissing me off even more is the fact that I am slacking severely on work front and even home front. I have been lacklustre in calling back home and my efficiency in getting work done has gone through the floor. Too much of my time and energy is being wasted around people which just adds to my frustration. I hear people keep telling me that human interaction is a part and parcel of life and the sooner I come to terms with it, the better but I somehow, someway I am just not able to do it at all. I just suck at this.

Now, this is where my dilemma arises. I know I suck at this and need to get better but also the fact that I haven't been able to get better at this, hopefully not for lack of trying. But at this juncture, there are roughly two options. Do I hunker down at the problem, try to figure out a solution with which I am comfortable while still living in society or I take my tried and tested route of running away and focus on the shit that matters. The answer should seem the former over latter till we focus on the fact that the first options comes with the compromise on efficiency (something which I just can't stand) and the second option comes with the advantage of getting shit done and focusing on the shit that matters. First is not quitting and keeping at a problem till the solution emerges and the second is staying within my comfort zone and working from it.

I really hope a clear answer emerges soon Alice as this is not really great on me work efficiency and mental health in the short, med or even long run.

Lights out Alice!

Bad habits are back again

 Lights out Alice!

I made a mistake yesterday night. A big one. A blast from the past. I reacted irrationally and lashed out on another person for no apparent reason and was massively rude. I don't know what sequence of events led to me acting like a jerk, but I did and to say I am not proud of it would be an understatement.

I don't know why I chose to build up anger and frustration in me for no reason, especially because I chose to live in a way that pushes people away and then am frustrated because I feel lonely. I don't get it, am I dumb or am I an idiot? When in a crowd, I can't wait to get away and get back to my mind palace, but yesterday, I acted irrationally and started judging and having preconceived notion about the third person in our project group, which led me to dismiss anything that they pitched, regardless of it being a good or a bad idea.  This led to me being overly rude and jerk-like in my behaviour, especially when this was not at all required and could have been easily avoided.

Hope I stop making stupid mistakes like this Alice!