Lights out Alice!
We all have our dreams. We all have places we want to reach, happiness we want to touch and highs we want to experience. But all of the aforementioned things take two things: dedication and hard work. I am failing at both.
I am the kind that just likes to talk big, make big plans, concoct big ideas and ground breaking technologies while never taking one step towards actually implementing them. I want to be good at maths, good at encryption, good at programming, good at analytics, good at operations, good at marketing, good at basically everything, but that's where it stops. No actual work it put in. No habits are developed, except the bad ones. I just want to feel like I want to get somewhere, make big plans but when it comes to getting down in the dirt and actually getting things done, I procrastinate and fail. I back off, not sure if it is because of a fear of failure, but am sure it is because of laziness. Nothing great ever came out of indiscipline and building castles in the air, so in effect I will never be anything more than a big pile of hot gas (yes, I like fart jokes).
When I start the day and make plans these days, I think subconsciously I know I am going to fail at implementing each one of them, which just makes it infinitely worse because I can see I am procrastinating and yet I cannot stop myself. Obviously we look for other things to blame for our procrastination, anything that absolves us. My mind goes to ADHD, but that just means that I haven't tried hard enough to concentrate. That just means that I don't think it is important enough to focus. Actually, all it means is that I am a procrastinator and instead of finding different distractions to stall from doing the actual job, I should actually just do the job.
Break it down. Don't let the big picture overwhelm you or the small failures stop you. Keep fighting. Keep trying. Never give up, never give in.
Do it for your parents. Do it for your sister. They have put every ounce of belief in you.
Do it for every one of your elders that believed in you.
Do it for Sir Paul. Do it for Azam Sir. Do it for Biswarup sir. Do it for SNM sir.
Most importantly, do it for yourself. Do it to prove you are more than just words and that you are capable of action.
Even though it looks bleak, I really hope I make it.
Pray for me
Lights out, Alice!
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