Lights out Alice!
It would be a rarity for me to ever write a blog post first thing in the morning, well, late morning anyways but I have decided to give it a go. Given my track record in finishing things I start, I do not have high hopes for me. Especially given the fact that I do not have an over-arching theme today, I am not sure I would survive till then end, but let's find out if I do finish it.
Last two weeks have been hectic to say the least. A full week of office followed by a trip to Patalganga plant on a saturday, followed by another week of office and then a trip to Pune Cipla Palliative Care centre. Immediately after that Mickey arrived on Sunday which led to another four days of hectic office work followed by evening trips and tours. To add to all of this, I have been feeling a bit under the weather for the past week but I am not sure it is because of consuming cold drinks on a hot day immediately after coming from the sun or just an outcome of general tiredness or the C word. I have been slacking on my masking habits given the extreme heat and humidity and my ability to sweat fountains so the C word is a real possibility but I would hate for it to affect my last week here in Mumbai. Although, life happens without our permission and I would not be surprised if that curveball was thrown my way. Let's see, if it happens, I will face it in the best way I can or I won't, but regardless, I hope to get through it.
As is my general track record for any project or anything that I do in life, my starts are great, filled with great ideas and extraordinary enthusiasm that helps drive unprecedented results after which I lose all steam in the middle and scramble to end with a half decent job or just give up towards the end. I don't know why but I can't seem to shake this bad habit. The other worse habit is not being able to live in the moment and constantly stressing about things that are beyond my control and chasing perfection in every plan that I am looking to execute. I do makes plans B and C, but that just adds to my anxiety and stress to plan or foresee every angle of every future situation, something that comes at the expense of a lot of time and mental effort, only for most of it to never occur since exceptions are situations that have not been dealt before and every execution has different set of circumstances. Arghh, my brain constantly revolves between the conundrum of anticipating scenarios also while laughing at itself because it knows of the statement, "we suffer more in imagination than we ever do in reality."
The next major brain wiring error is the ability to go off on tangents. This is complimented by the need to plan my day at the start and then spend the rest of it ensuring that I get everything else done other than the things I chalked out in my to-do list. Sticking to a plan is something that my brain silently objects against and will get me interested and enthusiastic about doing everything but the things I am supposed to do today. Don't worry, writing this blog is a classic example of something that was not in my to-do list but an impulsive choice devised by my brain to ensure that I go off-track and not work on the plan for the day I had devised earlier.
Oh how funny it is to know the tricks your brain is pulling, put them into words by transcribing thoughts from your brain, all while actually seeing your plans fail and your day slip away as the procrastination and impulsive desires to do anything else other than pre-set goals take control over you. Although being aware of your actions are a big part of correcting bad habits, it is not a given that just because you are aware of your bad habits, it will suddenly go away. No, consciousness is only one part of the equation but deliberate reminders and dedicated effort day in and day out is still the major chunk needed to get things right.
It's not easy and mostly I fail, but this is seriously interesting Alice! My brain trying to trick while I am consciously also trying to correct myself using the same brain. How does that even work? Why is this occurring and how do I overcome this?
Also, before I close, I would like to take this platform to convey my apologies for not being up to mark in being there for people that are important to me in the past week. My feathers get ruffled easily when I am being pulled in different directions and get addicted to the optimisation of it all, only to forget the ones that are important and dear to me. I should be doing a better job. I should be helping out more. I should be working on myself and not just building B-plans only to never execute them. I should do my smallest bit to help out the needy.
Hopefully, I actually do execute some of my big plans and actually make a difference even though I don't really matter in the large spectrum of things. Hopefully, I can keep this hunger to actually learn stuff and it is not just smoke and mirrors. Hopefully, I can keep pushing myself and take the road less travelled and not get stuck in an endless loop of meaningless work.
I only have hope Alice but I hope it is enough!
Lights out Alice!
