Lights out Alice,
It's okay to be scared, you would be saying right about now, isn't it? But the sinking feeling in your stomach doesn't go away, especially when you have put everything on the line to pursue what your gut tells is right, especially when it is not the popular or the safe option.
I am scared, but before i elaborate on the reasons why, i would like to begin by explaining why life is pretty close to perfect. For starters, i am sitting in front a dual monitor setup with TuneIn Radio playing in the background. That accounts for a very small pleasure yet it tickles me in all the right places. Next, my elder sister is back home for the holidays. She lights up my dark world. More than me, she lights up the lives of my parents. You know the part where people say these times are never gonna come back. I know that. Every time i glance at them from my desk and see them in their joyous revelry, i know for a fact that it is a really happy period in all of our lives where everyone is happy. Then i am immediately saddened. Saddened, that this would not last and it is just a moment. A moment that i just want to sit back and soak in, so that when the bad times come or when we are apart, i can always go back to this moment in time. This pretty close to perfect moment in time when my parents are happy, my sister is glowing with that awesome grin that she has. I just pray to God or whoever is looking after me, that i can come back to this moment whenever times are tough. Because this moment today, when we all meet up, as a healthy family, is so rare and golden that it just fills me with tears. I thank God for this moment. I also pray that i am strong enough to face whatever comes next.
But i am still scared. I am scared that i would be the failure in my family. I am scared that i will not be able to live up to the hopes and dreams of my sister or my parents. They respect me for my choices and not being able to live up to their hopes scares the hell out of me. I failed them once, during the engineering entrance exams, but cannot be the one who lets them down twice.
Hence, i am scared. Scared, that because i am unable to concentrate for long periods of time, i will not be able to prepare well enough for the upcoming exams. That i will not be good enough, not because i am not good enough, because i am, but because i could never get myself to commit long enough hours or the effort required to give the exam. I am good enough, but i am not consistent. My brain likes to do multiple things, take up multiple projects, start numerous things, help out everyone. In all of this i am unable to finish a lot of things. I take too much on my plate and mess up everything. I leave most of the things open ended. But still want to take up more things. Do more stuff.
Which scares me! It scares me that i will still be unfinished with my syllabus after 8 months and being unprepared, i would fail. I have given up a lot of things to prepare for this. This is a no excuse scenario and this scares me out of my wits.
Pretty scary huh Alice?
It's okay to be scared, you would be saying right about now, isn't it? But the sinking feeling in your stomach doesn't go away, especially when you have put everything on the line to pursue what your gut tells is right, especially when it is not the popular or the safe option.
I am scared, but before i elaborate on the reasons why, i would like to begin by explaining why life is pretty close to perfect. For starters, i am sitting in front a dual monitor setup with TuneIn Radio playing in the background. That accounts for a very small pleasure yet it tickles me in all the right places. Next, my elder sister is back home for the holidays. She lights up my dark world. More than me, she lights up the lives of my parents. You know the part where people say these times are never gonna come back. I know that. Every time i glance at them from my desk and see them in their joyous revelry, i know for a fact that it is a really happy period in all of our lives where everyone is happy. Then i am immediately saddened. Saddened, that this would not last and it is just a moment. A moment that i just want to sit back and soak in, so that when the bad times come or when we are apart, i can always go back to this moment in time. This pretty close to perfect moment in time when my parents are happy, my sister is glowing with that awesome grin that she has. I just pray to God or whoever is looking after me, that i can come back to this moment whenever times are tough. Because this moment today, when we all meet up, as a healthy family, is so rare and golden that it just fills me with tears. I thank God for this moment. I also pray that i am strong enough to face whatever comes next.
But i am still scared. I am scared that i would be the failure in my family. I am scared that i will not be able to live up to the hopes and dreams of my sister or my parents. They respect me for my choices and not being able to live up to their hopes scares the hell out of me. I failed them once, during the engineering entrance exams, but cannot be the one who lets them down twice.
Hence, i am scared. Scared, that because i am unable to concentrate for long periods of time, i will not be able to prepare well enough for the upcoming exams. That i will not be good enough, not because i am not good enough, because i am, but because i could never get myself to commit long enough hours or the effort required to give the exam. I am good enough, but i am not consistent. My brain likes to do multiple things, take up multiple projects, start numerous things, help out everyone. In all of this i am unable to finish a lot of things. I take too much on my plate and mess up everything. I leave most of the things open ended. But still want to take up more things. Do more stuff.
Which scares me! It scares me that i will still be unfinished with my syllabus after 8 months and being unprepared, i would fail. I have given up a lot of things to prepare for this. This is a no excuse scenario and this scares me out of my wits.
Pretty scary huh Alice?
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