Just another lazy sunday, or is it?

Lights out, Alice!

Waking up to the chatter of birds and the first rays of sunshine that plays truant with your curtains that were drawn oh so tiredly yesterday night. Nope, this exactly not how Sundays are. You wake up to the scolding of your parents for sleeping in, the mad rush of the vociferous children playing along the corridor trying hard to forget the horrors and tortures of the prison called home.

Kids are meant to be free, and Sundays are meant to be lazy. But I also want to be a formula one driver (V8 supercars will equally awesome) and we all know that none of the above is going to happen anytime soon.

If you delay on what's required to be done at that particular moment, you are procrastinating, but the fact this delay is happening does not hit until it is too late. Your mind is playing games at you, with itself. You are surrounded by the pretence that whatever delay that is occuring is well justified and accounted for and for that matter, everything is under control. No, it is not. It never is. If there was one thing that Shakespeare has taught me, it is this : "Security is mortal's chiefest enemy." Security is like the world that you are viewing through your eyes. This source of vision has been right so many times that would trust it in a heartbeat. But how does one know that all that one sees is correct. We can be lied to by our eyes. But since we rely on it so much and don't double check, it can lead to all the problems in the world.

Figure out a way and Lights out Alice!

It's Monday and i found a Friend

Lights out Alice!

I found a friend. Friends actually. I make it a point to drive out all people in my life who don't stand up to the scrutiny of my intellectual standards. Funny thing is, I myself am not aware of what all are my standards, how I ended up with such a standard, or even the fact that if I myself would be able to pass the scrutiny of such standards.

I pride and frown on the achievement and deception that even after three years of sharing a classroom, I am unfamiliar with the names of most of my classmates. Sneering myself upon a pedestal, an imaginary high-horse that somehow puts me on a peg above the rest. I loathe this version of myself and it's safe to say that this guy sucks.

But, I found a few people who could penetrate through the uncouth and repulsive behavior that i aggressively display and get to the vulnerable me. Param, Pit, DC, CK and Chemical are all brave examples of the same. These men and women have given me a second chance, some even more in being a better person with them, rid of all judgement and looking down upon. I pity myself for such behavior and I can say that all I want is nothing more, than to be a humble, respectful and logical human being that loves his parents and family and unequivocally reciprocates all the sacrifices that they have made for him.


Thank you P, M, R, C, Mji, SKB, Param, Pit and DC for being there. I know these times will never come back and you can rest assured that I ensured that I enjoyed and savored every last bit of it.

Addition on 25th Sept, 2017:
Param, if you must know, and if you ever read this, I always wanted you to rise to the top, actually, I want to be rising to the top with you, me supporting you every step of the way. The best in all of us, is what I see and the best I wanted you to be. I am sorry that my advances or my repetitive scheduling of a meet (which mostly ended in a failure) caused you trouble, but I understand that it is a confusing time for all of us. We understand very little of the world and how it functions, yet our brains tells us otherwise and tells us that we have "figured it out". The simple truth is, it was me being needy and selfish and that is something i will resent.

You know, if I could take back the things i said, i would. Actually, I wouldn't, because, that is the problem. That's just who I am. I am incapable of swallowing feelings for the greater good. I vent them out under the cover of "truth", where it is actually a farce meant to shrug the responsibility of my failures and shortfall to the listener. Damn, I actually am a very selfish and hateworthy human being.

Can I be better Alice?

Something's wrong

Lights out Alice!

Fear. Fear of failure, fear of overconfidence, fear of being wrong, fear of just being afraid. There is a lot of fear that rules our lives.

It's Convoluted

Lights out Alice!


Turns out, people you don't trust are more reliable and trustworthy than ones that we trust.

Being grown up means being okay with not being okay.

Well, i am in a fix (just as always)

Lights out Alice!

If by some Godforsaken punishment for your crime or repentance for unjust actions you have been reading my earlier posts (why doth torture thyself?), you would know that i had been struggling over a decision that would steer my life in a particular direction.

Yes, i hear you, that everything you do in life has consequences, but some consequences are more consequential than others. I have been mulling continuing with ESI for quite sometime now and i can't tell which one is the right decision.

Here are the details below:
I want to remain in Engineering and not just business and management, which ESI is right now. But, going forward, we can always venture into product development and racing, once ESI is stable. But is it worth the wait? Is it worth the sacrifice that i have to make for the first two years to go into this? The only option that remains if i go into ESI is a government job, which will make most of the certifications and design work that i have done pretty useless (or at least that seems to be the case from the outside). One option would be to go into ESI, while prepare for higher studies in the background, and then achieve that. But is that a guarantee?

Well, you just laughed at the previous sentence, didn't you? In life, there are NO GUARANTEES! But humans as we are, idiots that we seem to be, we keep thinking that security comes in the form of certain jobs. Certain jobs just ooze security as parents, and as parents (or my father to be exact) you are of the opinion that these are the only jobs available for a child to join.

I need to put my put down i suppose. Let it all go, choose a side, and see what stays.
Take a decision, then work to make it right!

Well, i keep thinking that because of ESI, i keep myself engaged, use it as an excuse for my inefficiency and that otherwise, i will slip into the comfort of laziness and put my efficiency on a downward spiral.

Don't know man...i don't seem to have an answer, even after considerable time and thought has been spent on this.

My partner in the company keeps telling me that he needs a partner and not a helping hand, and yet all i do is be his clerk. He hands all of his work down to me and then expects me to pick up the slack. To be honest, picking up the slack is fine, because that is what partners do, but i think this is borderline.

I don't even have somebody to advise me on this since i come from a family of employees, government or private and no one has any idea of a startup and how it works.

What am i gonna do Alice? Lights out!