Lights out Alice!
I am doing that thing again wherein I waste all the time I have with plans in my head and procrastination on my mind. I don't get anything done. Just big words and nothing delivered. I seriously suck. That negativity loop. That worthless self loathing. That guilt over wasting oxygen, wasting all that I have been lucked into and nothing I have done till date being out of any real achievement. Till date, all the things have been handed to me by my parents and my elder sister, who is as much a parent to me as it can get and I hate the fact that I am a worthless piece of shit who has done nothing to repay the debt he owes to them.
It may sound like a lot of negativity, but it is only a fraction of the hate mongering that goes on in my head on a constant basis, taking a break only for anxiety and worst case scenario planning. I give a lot of gyaan, talk a big deal but rarely back it up with action. This gets to me and even though it gets to me, I still give into procrastination and putting things off.
Fighting laziness and procrastination is a never ending battle. There are days when you are tired and want to give it all up and then they are days that you get up early and get stuff done. But just because you are tired one day or well worked another doesn't mean that the day won't end. Momentum does not get carried over. Everyday is a new challenge in and itself and we start from scratch. Sitting on past glories will lead to a downward spiral and keeping my ego checked on most days is important, although I frequently fail at it, what's even worse is the fact that I don't learn from my mistakes.
I also have an habit of going back to the past and reliving errors. Miss you P. Maybe you never saw it that way, but I did and I still miss you.
I am such an idiot. Do I realise the magnitude of entitlement that I had? Do I realise how lucky I am to have such awesome parents and an even more awesome sister? Why can't I function normally in society? Why am I such an embarrassment to everyone around me? Why have I never been able to actually connect with any person till date? Why do I push people away or keep everyone at arm's length? What am I afraid of? What fake persona am I trying to protect?
Ahh...it sucks and hurts Alice, but hopefully I remember to remind myself how lucky and privileged I am and thank powers that be for today and hope tomorrow I can do better.
Lights out Alice!
